Facebook’s ‘On this day’ feature is very helpful.
On this day a year ago my ex and I became Facebook official. I guess I forgot until I tripped over it today by accident; it was just sitting there, a smug little slap in the face reminding me about how happy and hopeful and safe I felt last year at this time.
I was just talking about love a couple of days ago. I was talking about how it’s the most important thing in my world. I mean, writing is all very well; I love to write. But if I were to be faced with a choice that said you may write for the rest of your life or you may fall in love and be loved, and be a mother, and a wife, but you cannot have both, I know what I would choose. Every time.
Even if I could never write another word again for the rest of my life, I would choose love.
This will be my last post about J. I will not write about him again on this blog; it’s not because I don’t want to. I would like to talk about how much I loved him, how much I love him still, and how puzzled I am by his cruelty to me.
I would like to talk about the candle I light for him every night – he is not my husband, he is not a sailor lost at sea, and it’s not because I think it will bring him back to me, but it brings me comfort, to know that I can light a candle for him, for his safety.
I would like to talk about how I have stepped forward, leaving him behind, and how much my entire person rebels at this, at what I still perceive as a betrayal to him. But if I am to truly move on with my life, I cannot stay shackled to him.
I would like to talk about how I wish things were different; how much I wish things would change; how difficult this is for me.
I would like to talk about how I lost three people I love deeply when I lost him; how torn away and thrust away I felt, and still feel; I want to ask why I wasn’t asked; I want to talk about how I didn’t even get to say goodbye.
I want to talk about how we had a contract based on honesty and trust, and I want to try to explain the betrayal I feel that he broke it.
But I won’t.
Goodbye, my love, my only, my sweetest, my pear.
Goodbye my most precious.
It was you. It was always you.