Facebook’s ‘On this day’ feature is very helpful.
On this day a year ago my ex and I became Facebook official. I guess I forgot until I tripped over it today by accident; it was just sitting there, a smug little slap in the face reminding me about how happy and hopeful and safe I felt last year at this time.
I was just talking about love a couple of days ago. I was talking about how it’s the most important thing in my world. I mean, writing is all very well; I love to write. But if I were to be faced with a choice that said you may write for the rest of your life or you may fall in love and be loved, and be a mother, and a wife, but you cannot have both, I know what I would choose. Every time.
Even if I could never write another word again for the rest of my life, I would choose love.
This will be my last post about J. I will not write about him again on this blog; I have finally become angry at his coldness, his bizarre behaviour, and his intolerable cruelty to me. I loved him immensely and he repaid me with indifference, silence, and scorn. I lost three people I loved deeply when he thrust me away, but he never cared about that. He never cared about my feelings; he never cared about ending things decently, and he certainly never cared about what it would do to me. We had a contract based on honesty and trust, and I cannot begin to explain the betrayal I feel that he broke it.
I have stepped forward, leaving him behind, and it feels like a sweet release. He is everything I do not need. He showed me what love wasn’t, and for that, I suppose I should be grateful.
I will love again; I will love – and be loved by – an infinitely better man.
Goodbye my former love.
It was never you.