I said something last week that I’m not particularly proud of.
During a moment of self-pity when I was bemoaning the tragedy of my life (as I put it so eloquently during that particular moment), and complaining to one of my best friends that I was surely beset with misfortune as I had not yet managed to have a child of my own, I also managed to say that I found it difficult to muster any excitement about new births and pregnancy announcements from my friends and acquaintances. Now, I should add that my friend has been trying to get pregnant for a while now, and has so far been unsuccessful. So at this point she said to me rather sadly that surely, SURELY, I would be excited for her if she managed to get pregnant.
I was morose and I told her to please not ‘ask me that today’. We then moved on to talk about other things. We have spoken almost every day since, but always of other things. But what I said to her has continued to bother me.
Knowing how difficult this journey has been for her, and looking at her journey through the lenses of my own journey, my reaction ought to have been different. I can offer no explanation and I certainly deserve no excuse. How could I not be excited about any of the births and pregnancy announcements of any of the people I care about? How is it possible that I imagined at that moment that I would not be able to ‘muster up’ enough excitement for her?
K, I am sorry I said that. I will be beyond excited for you. I will sing a song of happiness, and offer thanks to the Fates when you get pregnant. I will be with you every step along the way as you plan, and dream, and ultimately obsess about your unborn child. I will look at paint palettes for your nursery, and coo over nursery furniture, and send you links to maternity dresses that are still fashionable, and shoes that you will hopefully adore. I will bemoan the fact that I do not live where you live, because that will prevent me from being useful to you, and I will talk you out of any weird names that you might momentarily favour.
You will feel my love and happiness through every step of your journey, and when your child is born, I will love that child the way I love the children of all of my friends. I will be in love, from the first moment that s/he enters the world.
My happiness will be tangible and ever-present, and my excitement for you will bubble over.
That’s what I should have said. That’s what I know I feel, and will always feel, and I should have put my unhappiness aside and felt the boundless joy I always feel on behalf of the people I love when they succeed, accomplish, create, and achieve.
I love you.