I find that I’m unusually contented with my lot lately. It’s not rare for me to go through periods of contentment where I am happy to go through my day doing my work, and living my quiet life. But underneath that contentment there’s always a fire, a perennial longing to do today all the things I want someday. I’ve learned to be wary of ‘someday’. The more one says ‘someday’, the more it stays there.
But lately, I’ve lost that a little. I don’t say it like it’s a bad thing either; perhaps my burning need for success and change (in that order) needs rekindling. Perhaps it needs, like almost everything else, to recharge. Lately, as I said, I’m just content.
I still have a horror sometimes of being married (although for the most part I think it still sounds like a good idea). It feels like the most enormous decision that one will ever make, and it’s forever (I’m old-fashioned enough to still believe that it’s forever). I have come close to making some horrendous mistakes with men in the past, and although I’m dating again now, nobody’s come close to touching my heart.
A friend (who insists he will never marry) teased me about this; he said he thought I was like him in the sense that I wanted to see the world and do other things with my life, and keep having adventures. I confess that it surprised me. Of all the reasons to not get married, this does not seem like a rational or a logical reason to me. Why is it that there is a sense of marriage being the end of one’s life? Why does parenthood get held up as some sort of life-stopping event? Of course marriage and parenthood are permanent, and I’m not disputing that for a second, but surely they are, in their own way, an adventure too? I’ve always looked upon them as such; I know that neither state will change my life in any way or stop me from having adventures. Destinations are sweeter with a companion to warm one’s bed, and children should never stop one from continuing to travel and to live. In fact, children should see a changing world. I have always firmly believed that.
Why say ‘No, thank you’ to something that I think is an amazingly wonderful adventure? I know that when the time is right I will say ‘Yes’, and not ‘No’.